Sep 2010
HOPE IT FITS
For many years, I have had a vision of hosting a party for my ten year wedding anniversary. The point of this party would NOT be to celebrate us or the fact that I am now financially protected for the rest of my life (LOL) but to create an opportunity for friends and family to wear their wedding clothes one more time. In other words, the theme of this party would be for everyone, hosts and guests, to wear their own wedding attire. Wouldn’t we all love the opportunity to break open that massive storage box and and re-wear that amazing dress which held such promise? After neutralizing the embalming stench, the dress would be fresh and crisp enough to relive that moment. At the very least, the goal of fitting in that dress would force many of us to rush to the gym. Sadly, Husband has never liked this idea (I think it’s a girl thing) and thus, I throw it out to the crowd for someone else to catch. My only hope is that one of you will invite me to a version of this soirée. I am dying to wear my dress one more time….
Aug 2010
MY QUIRKY HUSBAND
Husband is unique! My whole life I had long, bleached Barbie hair. I thought it looked like a million bucks. Clearly, I was the only one. After much chemical torture, my hair was chopped off to a bob, a look that I have sported for the last few years. Each time, my hair begins to creep below my chin, husband (Sargeant of “the bob patrol”) makes a cutting scissor motion with his hand. Weird, considering he fell in love with me and horse mane which I swore was permanent. Husband seems to be the only guy who likes short hair on women. Then I met another man with a similar penchant and I have not recovered since. Several months ago, I stopped at a random cell phone shop to buy a new car charger. As I looked down to put the credit card back in my wallet, the store owner came behind me and brushed his grimy hand up my “exposed” neck and through the back of my “short” hair. WTF! He smiled and said he could not resist. Feeling violated, I actually contemplated extensions.
I have grown used to short hair and actually think it complements the platinum shade it regularly gets dyed to. (Many people in my life think otherwise, but please keep it to yourself). My own eye is trained to see this very light blonde look when I consult a mirror. The other day, husband and I were organizing old pics. Oh my, how we have transformed in ten years! Less hair for both of us.
Aug 2010
LOVE IT
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Aug 2010
HUSBAND IS THE NEW BACHELOR
NOT! This vision about killed me! Last night as I sat on the edge of my bed, anticipating who Ali was going to choose, Husband was teasing incessantly. ”you are dumbing yourself down, look at you- acting like you are about to be kissed for the first time…get a life!” I must say, I have always loved Roberto but Chris was beginning to make headway with me. I could see how torn Ali was and I felt her pain. Ultimately, her instinct won and she chose Roberto- may their love last a long time. As the show re-ran clips of their journey, I found myself salivating out loud about Roberto’s body. OMG! what a hottie- tall, dark, handsome, sick abs! I was hooked! Suddenly, I sensed movement to the left side of my peripheral vision. Mind you it was 11:00 pm at night! The lights were off and I was prepared to go to sleep once the show finished. I felt a whoosh of air and could not believe my eyes. Husband was standing upright, shirtless, and doing bicep curls. At this point, I was hysterical. ”honey, you are a babe, tire and all…. you are better than Roberto. In fact, forget Chris as the next Bachelor (spotted Chris and Bachelor producers and Chris Harrison at the Dodger game last week.) I think you should throw your hat in the ring.
Jul 2010
MISS BLONDIE
After much demand, Lifestyle Lemonaid is excited to launch our Dear Miss Blondie column! A weekly column for fans and friends alike to email Miss Blondie your everyday questions. Anything from marriage, sex to personal hygiene – Miss Blondie has the answers. Think Dear Abby for today’s man and woman! So ask away… Email all questions to: info@lifestylelemonaid.com or go to our facebook page and submit questions to Miss Blondie at: http://www.facebook.com/#!/LifestyleLemonaid?ref=ts “
Dear Miss Blondie:
Lately my husband wants to have sex all the time and I have not really been in the mood. Do you have any advice as to how to hold him off or increase my sex drive?
From,
Not so into sex
———————————
As if this is a bad thing? You should thank your lucky stars that your husband still wants you- and regularly! I have decided to tackle this question as the intro to MISS BLONDIE because this is the very topic that somehow creeps up at every Girls’ dinner. I believe wholeheartedly that you should NEVER say NO. We are all tired, we all multi-task daily, and many times the absolute LAST thing we want to do is have sex. However, I believe that if your guy is not getting it from you, he will get it elsewhere. That betrayal will be far worse than the ten minutes you have to put out to satisfy your man. And really, is it that terrible to have sex? If you just can’t get into IT, then fake it, prepare your list of things to do in your head, moan a few times, or fantasize about the hot trainer who helped you adjust your bike spin class. Happy Husband, Happy Marriage. The more intimacy you share with your husband, the more connected you will feel. Worse case scenario, if you are just not in the mood, then tell him to do his “dance” quickly because it is his session. I am not an MD but if your body just seems off, then consult a Doctor ASAP.
Jul 2010
PURE GENIUS
It is nice that people are making a valiant effort to aid in the war against flatulence. Think about all the times in yoga class when someone lets one rip while in down dog position. Are you kidding me? The marriage comfort blanket was one thing but this one takes the cake.
SUBTLE BUTT is a disposable gas neutralizer in the form of a patch of fabric which is placed in your undies. It has “an activated carbon layer….to which stench adheres and gets neutralized”. Let’s hope the same company can create a show tune to help “neutralize” the sound!
Can you imagine that in the age of I PADS, we also can proudly discuss our technological breakthroughs in the area of flatulence?
I am proud to be an American consumer. www.subtlebutt
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Jul 2010
BIG DAY
News hit the street as posted by Nikki Finke on Deadline Hollywood. HBO is creating a show inspired by LIFESTYLE LEMONAID and specifically, the trials and tribulations of my marriage, a modern day LUCY and RICKY. I am beyond flattered that HBO believes in my blog to create a potential show out of it. I am also grateful to my readers and fans who support me daily in this crazy blogging journey of mine. Thanks for sipping the Lemonaid! www.deadlinelhollywood.com
On another note, I am so excited that everyone responded so positively to Mr. Swagger. You can expect to hear from Mr. Swagger several times a month. I find his perspective refreshing and a fabulous complement to my voice. Mr. Swagger will remain ANONYMOUS. However, I want to be clear that as much swagger as husband possesses, Mr. Lemonaid is NOT the voice of Mr. Swagger.
Jul 2010
I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND
Husband loves concerts! A die hard 80′ fan, husband worships George Michael. In fact, we battle over which XM stations while driving together in the car. A lover of the 80′s channel, I much prefer 70′s or current hits. Either way, we love to go to concerts together. In fact, our second date was a to a Ricky Martin concert and I definitely questioned our future when I watched him gyrating his hips not in my direction. Nearly ten years later, we still attend concerts and are in the process of creating mini rock stars out of our boys. Point and shoot interests for the kids. It would be pretty cool to watch our kids as mini Timberlakes entertaining concert venues all over the world. Keep dreaming Mama!
Three months ago, husband and I went to see Lady Gaga. I confess, I am a huge fan and decided to dress as Gaga for the concert- platinum bangs and sky high stilettos! Husband and friends laughed at my get-up! As we entered the concert hall and walked down the aisle to our seats, my focus was on the people in the audience. Suddenly, I tripped and flew to the ground smashing my knees and flattening my Gaga bangs. Instead of Husband rushing to my side to pick me up, he stood there laughing and pointing at me. “I told you that your shoes were too high!” Luckily, my loyal friend LZ picked me up and brushed me off! Needless to say, I was not into my husband that night!
Two nights ago, we were fortunate to be invited to Kings of Leon concert at The Hollywood Bowl. I love, love, love Kings of Leon. Husband agreed to attend because off all of the times I took it for his music team. I wore flatter (not flat) shoes and managed to stay upright as we looked for the seats. I was watching my husband sway to “my” music and I had a love burst! I wrapped my arms around his waist and held his hand, so happy to be with him. As I held his familiar hand, it hit me that I truly do want to hold only his hand forever whether it is at an AHA concert, Metallica concert, or the weddings of our children. “Sex on Fire” is just the icing on the cake!
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Jun 2010
OFF THE RICHTER SCALE
Earthquakes are a reality in California. As a native, I have experienced earthquakes but still feel stumped
each time one occurs. Should I take cover under a doorway, find the nearest desk as we did in grade school, or stop, drop, and roll? Some earthquakes are realized after they are over. Some trigger more damage. One night, I was deep asleep, floating between REM levels. The cocktails from the night before still flowing through my system. All of a sudden, I was jolted awake by what I thought was a massive body shaking earthquake. I ripped the eyemask from my face, rubbed my eyes, and attempted to survey the damage. As I turned my head to the left to wake my motionless husband, I noticed an ABRUPT stop to the shaking motion. How strange, I thought to myself, maybe I was having the type of dream where for example, your ski falls off. I resumed my sleep position and closed my eyes. Not ten seconds later, the shaking began again. As I half opened my eyes and turned my head ever so slightly in my husband’s direction, I realized that the earthquake I was experiencing was the vigorous shaking motion of my darling husband pleasuring himself. Guess he did not want to disturb my beauty sleep!
Jun 2010
D.I.L.F
I was checking out my husband last night as we were driving to dinner at Bouchon. Unwinding from work, Husband was not yet in the mood to engage in chatter with me. The sun was going down and I was watching him maneuver the vehicle. The self-tan he had just applied was glistening on his face and it struck me, my husband is a BABE. He was mouthing the words to his idol George Michael- “You gotta have Faith” and had ceased fire on picking on me. We arrived at the restaurant and sat down to dinner to a “new” couple. As their sparks flew, I realized that after ten years, I was still thrilled to be partners with my husband. Though he can be rough around the edges, he is funny and has a heart of SOLID gold. He proudly wears his wedding ring and is convinced that it is his single best accoutrement (next to our kids) which helps solicit attention from other women. Good for him, I am not threatened. In any event, husband has declared himself a D.I.L.F and I wholeheartedly agree.
